This season has been full and yet I have never felt more spread thin. Honestly, I have been vividly aware of how beautiful my life is while simultaneously being terrified I will inevitably screw it all up. I feel like a puzzle scattered on my living room floor, with plenty of pieces to go around but only a fragmented woman to offer. Sound familiar to anyone else?
Clearly this area of my life has suffered as I have been MIA from writing. For those kind, sweet and faithful friends who keep checking in – I am sorry for this insanely overdue update!
I am halfway through my first semester of graduate school, and though there is no break in my near future, I finally feel as though I am back in school-mode. My inner hippy has become out of control as I have started experimenting with making crunchy, homemade soaps, cleaners, and dreaming of owning chickens and goats when I graduate. Ray and I have been dreaming of getting some land, fixing up a farmhouse, and I believe the more I send him to buy goat milk the more I am convincing him goats are a good investment. These dreams are fueled by no small amount of Ray binge-watching Fixer Upper while I “study” next to him. Let’s just say the best compliment I gave my husband this week was a text that read, “You are the Chip to my JoJo.” Obsessed with shiplap much?
Sam is 20 months going on 20 years old. For real, the kid picked out a fedora and plaid this past weekend at Target. He is talking more and more, and he has the BEST belly laugh. My heart melts every time he comes up to me and says, “Hand! Hand!” while he takes me by the hand and leads me into a new adventure. To say that this stage of life has been full of difficulties as a parent would be an understatement, but getting to witness Sam grow and experience life as a toddler has been the greatest joy. Ray and I are constantly wondering how such a cool kid could come from us, until his little sinner side comes out and it’s obvious he has our DNA.
The past few weeks have been a battle against fear within my heart and my mind; for every display of grace and faithfulness, there has been a counter attack of whispered lies and exposed insecurities. Thankfully, the truth of God’s word and the grace and kindness of His character always have the last word. This is the hope to which I am clinging. In the midst of unparalleled exhaustion, toddler tantrums, marital ish, insecurity and doubt, it has been so easy to slip into a frantic state and feel overwhelmed by pressure that was never meant to be placed on me. One of the sweetest reminders from the Lord met me in that pressure cooker this past weekend, and I want to leave you with this gracious nugget of freedom:
The Lie: The belief that I am only worth what I can generate or contribute; that I have to bring something awesome and revolutionary to the table.
The Nugget: I’ve not called you to be a generator. I do the generating. I am already working and moving in each and every person and circumstance. When you accept my invitation to partner with me, I’ll show you where I am working; I’ll lead you and guide you by the Holy Spirit.
As always, hold this nugget up to Scripture; take the meat and leave the bones.